Twittering Through American History

By Ben Fractenberg

“The British are coming! OMG! Wake up the militia! Sound the church bells! Update your Facebook status!”

Amid the flutter over Twitter, it’s a reasonable question: What if people had been Tweeting for the past 300 years? How differently might we have experienced American history? What could be said about the American character in 140 characters?

“In case anyone was thinking of going for a little boat ride across the Delaware River, don’t! It is fu-reezing. Time to look stoic; someone’s trying to paint me.”

“Aaron Burr just challenged me to a duel, and I don’t even have my nice dueling pants on! I should have listened to my mom.”

“If anyone is on Twitter, looks like the entire Mexican army is attacking our fort. Also, Dan, you forgot to return my raccoon-tail hat.”

“Four score and seven years ago? What is that in Roman time or something? Weird D&D lingo? Never again will I Twitter someone’s speech.”

“Very funny, guys! Gen. Custer sez u can all take off the Indian costumes now. Man, there are a lot of you for a practical joke.”

“Can’t wait to get off this crowded boat! Heard streets are lined with honey! Organic honey! Back home I’d be working in a factory all day.”

“What’s with all the icebergs? Astor says they’re almost as big as the ship. I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about.”

“Can you believe it? They had a bathtub full of gin but no tonic…”

“Wanted: tiny red sled that symbolizes my lost innocence and/or phonograph made entirely out of gold and unicorn hoofs.”

“One other thing I forgot to mention we should fear besides fear itself: guy w/handlebar moustache who keeps tying maidens to train tracks.”

“Also: clowns, rabid squirrels, shifty-eyed men with violin cases, zeppelins, Fatty Arbuckle, that crippling worldwide Depression thing.”

“Oh snap! Churchill was all ‘in the morning I’ll be sober while you’ll still be ugly.’ And she was all ‘why I never…’”

“Every platoon has an African-American, a country boy and a guy with a Brooklyn accent. Somebody should write a movie.”

“Quick survey: do you belong to the Communist Party? If you don’t drive on Saturdays and work in Hollywood I’ll just put down yes.”

“Happy b-day, Mr. Prez-i-dent…happy b-day 2 u…”

“So it looks like the Ruskies are shipping nuclear warheads to Cuba…oh, and Jackie and I had pancakes for breakfast. Yum!”

“I wanted to tell you all about this dream I had, but I totally forgot. Don’t you hate that? I think it involved children playing together.”

“I just took some acid. Everything is one and…that guy has lobster claws for hands…why is everyone staring at my soul?? I need toothpaste.”

“Did I Twitter how well things going in Vietnam? Because they are. Just great. Seriously. BTW, I won’t run 4 2nd term, won’t serve if elected.”

“Looked all day for that 18 mins of missing tape. How about a sleepy puppy YouTube video instead: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12PsUW-8ge4”

“It’s not a party until Truman Capote shows up. And you’re completely covered in polyester. And on roller skates. My nose itches.”

“OMG there is a girl wearing different colored Converse. Totally out of my league. Maybe I should challenge her in Ms. Pacman?”

“White Ford Bronco yours for ticket to Caymans, fake nose or submarine. Text address. Can be there within hour. Please don’t turn on TV. “

“Those geezers in black robes say the recount is over! Suck it, Gore! First order of business, instead of robes, ponchos. Waterproof ponchos.”

“Two more additions to the Axis of Evil: George Soros (he’s like the Kaiser Sose of the left), tarantulas.”

“Guess what, everyone, we are the ones we’ve been waiting for, which is great news because we can now finally order dinner.”